new addition.

can't decide yet if i want to switch over for good or not. juggling three blogs at the moment is a lot of work. oh well. it'll only be two soon. and honestly, i am pretty sure i have enough emotions/ideas/creativity/music videos/quotes/pictures for all three. anyway check it out. and let me know what you think, friends.

http://theelegantunknown.tumblr.com/

memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

time, please fly.

home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you
home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you

i feel lonely. when i know i should be happy. i have a caring host mom, good friends, amazing travel experiences, plenty of money at my disposal, and so much more.

but the one thing i lack, is the one thing that would turn it all around. put a huge smile on my face. make me feel alive again. and that's home.

that's my mom. that's my dad. that's my sister. that's amanda. that's matthew. that's all my friends. that's my house, with my little bed, my books, my cats, my comfy couch and big tv. that's mississippi. that's sweet tea. that's the english language. that's ole miss.

i'd do anything to be back there right now. unfortunately the tears falling down my cheeks right now aren't doing anything to make that time come any sooner.

i'm just gonna do my best to keep chugging along. one more month. i can do this. at least i hope.

makes my heart happy.

The facts and the figures
They overwhelm a stifle
everything that you thought you knew.
and the petty decisions that you think make a difference.
So tiny that they blow away like dust.

We are all embers
from the same fire

i've been on a really indie/alt kick with my music lately. maybe it matches my somewhat emo mood? who really knows, i guess it's just me trying to chill out. the good thing is, the more i listen to new music, the more i learn from it. it's easy for me just to listen to stuff like miley/britney/gaga/etc. that really has nothing but entertainment value. but lately i've been into stuff that's much deeper and emotional than that. except for damn katy perry and "california gurls". that effing song.

homesick.

so, music has become my friend. aka, a way to spend hours without even realizing you've wasted your day away. right now, this is one of my favourites.