a new passion.

wanderlust: a strong desire for or impulse to wander, or, in modern usage, to travel and to explore the world.

i always knew i liked travelling and visiting new places. i mean, in my mind, who doesn't? but, it took coming to--and staying in--another country to realize that it's something i truly love. i'm passionate about seeing new places, meeting new people, eating new foods, and learning "new" history. "when i grow up", i want to travel every spare day that i'm not working. i want travelling to be my hobby, like playing an instrument or participating in a club are for some people.

the adventure of travelling is just a thrill. going somewhere that you are unfamiliar with, and not only surviving, but enjoying every second of it, is like a drug to me. i can't get enough. i suppose knowing that i have this to work toward will motivate me to study and work hard so i can afford this not-inexpensive hobby.

quick rage.

i hate moochers. more than anything. ergo, my roommate and i will not be amigas much longer because i am going to ruthlessly avada kedavra her for constantly using other people for their shit.

also, my fan's rotating option turns itself off. how is that even possible? it better start working properly before i have to imperius it into submission.

the end. i swear i'll post some happy thoughts sometime soon.

simplicity.

i'm sad. that's all.

And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.

where did it go?

When I was young, lying in the grass
I felt so safe in a warming bath
Of sunlight.

Fast open sky could do no harm
Like an embrace of a mother's arms
In sunlight.

With every year that came to pass
More clouds appear until the sky went black
And now there's
No sunlight, No sunlight.
And now there's
No sunlight, No sunlight anymore.

You dissapeared with the same speed
The idealistic things i believed
The optimist died inside of me.

No sunlight, No sunlight.

i laid in the sun, for many years. thrived in its light, basked in its warmth. now there is no sun. it is dark. it is cold. i am scared. i can't see where i'm going, what i'm doing. i have to trust that i will be led in the right direction. led again, back to the light.

the truth.

there is no right. there is no wrong. there are no lies. there is no truth. or is it all true? is it all a lie? is it all wrong? is it all right?

nothing is known. it is all an elegant unknown. everything. me. you. them. life. all are beautiful. yet we cannot identify it at all. it is right. it is wrong. it is truth. it is lies. is it everything? is it nothing?

i do not know the answer. do you? will we ever know? i doubt it. but i will live. every, beautiful day. and grow. and learn. and never know the truth. and continue my life, marching into the elegant unknown.

what i want in life. right now.

and when i say right now, i mean as i am writing this, from 22:44 until when i finish. these desires, like the winds, change frequently. i'm liable to not want any of these things tomorrow. but at this moment, in this hour, this is what matters.

i want to be skinnier. i want my blonde hair back. i want someone to call me a sexy bitch (it's not disrespectful, btw). i want my one liter bottle of coke to magically refill itself. and to be accompanied by rum/fernet/vodka/whiskey/all of the above. i want my room to be clean. i want to dance by myself in the dark. i want to paint my fingernails green. i want my roommate to die (or move out, whichever is easier). i want poppyseed chicken, to eat as a midnight snack. i want a hug from amanda. i want to quit reading my book but to magically have read it without actually reading it. i want some new music off itunes, preferably the songs i heard at creambury the other day. i want to talk to jenny about tennis lessons. i want to be fluent in spanish. i want the weather to be cool, but not rainy. I want to scream "la puta madre" in a grocery store just to see how everyone reacts. i want to go swimming. i want someone to want to love me. i want there to be fairness and justice in this world. i want to be acknowledged for not being ugly and disgusting. i want to watch luna nueva.

Ob la di, ob la da
Life goes on
La la, how their life goes on

lost?

Where am I today, I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this sort of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage
Stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses
But I have my reasons why

i know my location, but i don't know where i am. i know my friends, but i don't know who they are. i know what i do, but i don't know my purpose. i know what love is, but i don't know how it feels. i know my name, but i don't know who i am.

these answers will come, but only with time. with patience and grace, all will be granted.

take me home.

I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there are not forgotten
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

In Dixie land where I was born in
Early on one frosty morning
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

I wish I was in Dixie
Hooray, hooray
In Dixie land I'll take my stand
To live and die in Dixie
Away, away
Away down south in Dixie.

and i long for my home. my people. my food. my music. my school. my Dixie.

no matter where i go. no matter who i meet. no matter how i change. this is my home. this is where i'm from. this is who i am. and i wouldn't change it for anything.

right at the surface.

i am swimming. i dive below, to search the ocean floor. there are fish. there are rocks. there is sand. there are plants. i come up for air. i see the sky above. the sun shining. the bright white clouds passing by. i am floating. content. cool. safe.