memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

wise words.

"great merit, or great failings, will make you respected or despised; but trifles, little attentions, mere nothings, either done or reflected, will make you either liked or disliked, in the general run of the world." --lord chesterfield


i always say, it's the little things in life that help me get by. minutiae matter. that's what others deserve, too.

forget respecting me based on merit or achievement. i want to be liked for the person i truly am.

another.

All I really want is someone that’s gonna keep their promises, listen to me babbling or enjoy a comfortable silence with, someone to call when I get scared, someone to laugh at my mistakes, and someone to grab me when I walk away. Is that too much to ask for?

wonderful theme for life.

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Colorado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

a new passion.

wanderlust: a strong desire for or impulse to wander, or, in modern usage, to travel and to explore the world.

i always knew i liked travelling and visiting new places. i mean, in my mind, who doesn't? but, it took coming to--and staying in--another country to realize that it's something i truly love. i'm passionate about seeing new places, meeting new people, eating new foods, and learning "new" history. "when i grow up", i want to travel every spare day that i'm not working. i want travelling to be my hobby, like playing an instrument or participating in a club are for some people.

the adventure of travelling is just a thrill. going somewhere that you are unfamiliar with, and not only surviving, but enjoying every second of it, is like a drug to me. i can't get enough. i suppose knowing that i have this to work toward will motivate me to study and work hard so i can afford this not-inexpensive hobby.

what i want in life. right now.

and when i say right now, i mean as i am writing this, from 22:44 until when i finish. these desires, like the winds, change frequently. i'm liable to not want any of these things tomorrow. but at this moment, in this hour, this is what matters.

i want to be skinnier. i want my blonde hair back. i want someone to call me a sexy bitch (it's not disrespectful, btw). i want my one liter bottle of coke to magically refill itself. and to be accompanied by rum/fernet/vodka/whiskey/all of the above. i want my room to be clean. i want to dance by myself in the dark. i want to paint my fingernails green. i want my roommate to die (or move out, whichever is easier). i want poppyseed chicken, to eat as a midnight snack. i want a hug from amanda. i want to quit reading my book but to magically have read it without actually reading it. i want some new music off itunes, preferably the songs i heard at creambury the other day. i want to talk to jenny about tennis lessons. i want to be fluent in spanish. i want the weather to be cool, but not rainy. I want to scream "la puta madre" in a grocery store just to see how everyone reacts. i want to go swimming. i want someone to want to love me. i want there to be fairness and justice in this world. i want to be acknowledged for not being ugly and disgusting. i want to watch luna nueva.

Ob la di, ob la da
Life goes on
La la, how their life goes on

take me home.

I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there are not forgotten
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

In Dixie land where I was born in
Early on one frosty morning
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

I wish I was in Dixie
Hooray, hooray
In Dixie land I'll take my stand
To live and die in Dixie
Away, away
Away down south in Dixie.

and i long for my home. my people. my food. my music. my school. my Dixie.

no matter where i go. no matter who i meet. no matter how i change. this is my home. this is where i'm from. this is who i am. and i wouldn't change it for anything.