memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

time, please fly.

home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you
home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you

i feel lonely. when i know i should be happy. i have a caring host mom, good friends, amazing travel experiences, plenty of money at my disposal, and so much more.

but the one thing i lack, is the one thing that would turn it all around. put a huge smile on my face. make me feel alive again. and that's home.

that's my mom. that's my dad. that's my sister. that's amanda. that's matthew. that's all my friends. that's my house, with my little bed, my books, my cats, my comfy couch and big tv. that's mississippi. that's sweet tea. that's the english language. that's ole miss.

i'd do anything to be back there right now. unfortunately the tears falling down my cheeks right now aren't doing anything to make that time come any sooner.

i'm just gonna do my best to keep chugging along. one more month. i can do this. at least i hope.

makes my heart happy.

The facts and the figures
They overwhelm a stifle
everything that you thought you knew.
and the petty decisions that you think make a difference.
So tiny that they blow away like dust.

We are all embers
from the same fire

i've been on a really indie/alt kick with my music lately. maybe it matches my somewhat emo mood? who really knows, i guess it's just me trying to chill out. the good thing is, the more i listen to new music, the more i learn from it. it's easy for me just to listen to stuff like miley/britney/gaga/etc. that really has nothing but entertainment value. but lately i've been into stuff that's much deeper and emotional than that. except for damn katy perry and "california gurls". that effing song.

homesick.

so, music has become my friend. aka, a way to spend hours without even realizing you've wasted your day away. right now, this is one of my favourites.

bad day.

let it be noted that i have hit rock bottom. of the bell curve, that is.

i'm over halfway done in argentina. and today was one of those days when all i wanted was to hug my mom. and be in sunny oxford with my friends. and eat something other than rice and veggies.

of course, every other "bad day" i've had was followed by many good days. the good (or normal) days far outnumber the bad, thank goodness. it's just when you get a bad one, it's generally pretty damn bad.

but i'll survive. earlier today, i had an enlightening conversation where i determined i am anything but weak. i'm a strong person, a strong woman. and by god, i'll deal with my stresses and make the best of it all. i can't let my missing home or dislike of certain cultural aspects bring me down. when i get disillusioned, it won't be the end of the world.

because, "after all, tomorrow is another day."

my belief.

Personally, I think that grammar is a way to attain beauty. When you speak, or read, or write, you can tell if you've said or read or written a fine sentence. You can recognize a well-turned phrase or an elegant style. But when you are applying the rules of grammar skillfully, you ascend to another level of the beauty of language. When you use grammar you peel back the layers, to see how it is all put together, see it quite naked, in a way. And that's where it becomes wonderful, because you say to yourself, "Look how well-made this is, how well-constructed it is! How solid and ingenious, rich and subtle!" I get completely carried away just knowing there are words of all different natures, and that you have to know them in order to be able to infer their potential usage and compatibility. I find there is nothing more beautiful, for example, than the very basic components of language, nouns and verbs. When you've grasped this, you've grasped the core of any statement. It's magnificent, don't you think? Nouns, verbs. . .

the elegance of the hedgehog

that time.

remember that time that i jumped off a cliff and went paragliding, and had one of the most tranquil, yet exhilarating experiences of my life, flying high in the air, with nothing to keep me from plunging to the ground except a thin piece of nylon above my head?

remember that time that i should have been scared for my life, but instead fearlessly leapt into the air as if there was no death but only life?

remember that time that my parents were furious, and forbade me to ever paraglide again, and to totally forget skydiving?

remember that time that i didn't really give a fuck?

if you live in fear of death, then you will never be alive. take chances. do crazy things. and enjoy every day as if it may be your last.

success formula.

when you stop pointing fingers,
lying to yourself and others,
when you give yourself to the hungry,
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then your light will ride through darkness,
and your gloom will rise as the noonday sun,
and you'll continually find the desires of your heart in
scorched and dry places and strength in your bones,
and finally become like a watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
--mike jenzeh

definition.

To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. it's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living inspite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshman year of high school at 15. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. it's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall in love with your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they will never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. it's fearless to say you're not sorry. And walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then letting go and moving on... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless.
-Taylor Swift

story of my life.

tidings from above.

in a cab tonight, i caught a memo from god. in the form of this song on the radio.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' in tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles, Chasin' tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

another.

All I really want is someone that’s gonna keep their promises, listen to me babbling or enjoy a comfortable silence with, someone to call when I get scared, someone to laugh at my mistakes, and someone to grab me when I walk away. Is that too much to ask for?

never safe.

Why is it that when I’m finally satisfied, something has to go wrong? Can’t I just be happy for once, please?

I’ve given up on so many things, please don’t ask me to give up on you.

right when you think everything is wonderful, it comes crashing down in front of your eyes. was i naive to believe that things could stay so perfect? shouldn't i have known we are humans and would fuck things up sooner than later?

tears fall. thoughts flow. pain throbs.

often i wonder why it is that i have such difficulty with trust and opening myself to others. then i realize that it's because of times like this. when i expect the best of people, but am hit with the harsh reality.

all i want in life is stability. a routine. normalcy. consistency. but that's not how it works. not for me, at least.

i hope i grow from times like this. into a stronger, more thoughtful, and persistent woman. i'm determined to keep trying. i get hurt every single time, but if you never know the pain, how can you ever know the happiness?

wonderful theme for life.

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Colorado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

brevity.

all good things shall come to pass.

for that matter, most bad things as well.

i simply regret that when good things disappear, i have a sour taste in my mouth. because more often than not, i'm just passing my happiness onto someone else. and of course, as glad as it makes me for that person, i'm naturally a bit jealous. of what i had, what i lost, and what they took from me.

i must learn to seize happiness and goodness when it comes my way. i have to protect it, cling to it, and never, ever let it go.

quick rage.

i hate moochers. more than anything. ergo, my roommate and i will not be amigas much longer because i am going to ruthlessly avada kedavra her for constantly using other people for their shit.

also, my fan's rotating option turns itself off. how is that even possible? it better start working properly before i have to imperius it into submission.

the end. i swear i'll post some happy thoughts sometime soon.

simplicity.

i'm sad. that's all.

And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.

where did it go?

When I was young, lying in the grass
I felt so safe in a warming bath
Of sunlight.

Fast open sky could do no harm
Like an embrace of a mother's arms
In sunlight.

With every year that came to pass
More clouds appear until the sky went black
And now there's
No sunlight, No sunlight.
And now there's
No sunlight, No sunlight anymore.

You dissapeared with the same speed
The idealistic things i believed
The optimist died inside of me.

No sunlight, No sunlight.

i laid in the sun, for many years. thrived in its light, basked in its warmth. now there is no sun. it is dark. it is cold. i am scared. i can't see where i'm going, what i'm doing. i have to trust that i will be led in the right direction. led again, back to the light.

take me home.

I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there are not forgotten
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

In Dixie land where I was born in
Early on one frosty morning
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

I wish I was in Dixie
Hooray, hooray
In Dixie land I'll take my stand
To live and die in Dixie
Away, away
Away down south in Dixie.

and i long for my home. my people. my food. my music. my school. my Dixie.

no matter where i go. no matter who i meet. no matter how i change. this is my home. this is where i'm from. this is who i am. and i wouldn't change it for anything.

right at the surface.

i am swimming. i dive below, to search the ocean floor. there are fish. there are rocks. there is sand. there are plants. i come up for air. i see the sky above. the sun shining. the bright white clouds passing by. i am floating. content. cool. safe.