memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

time, please fly.

home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you
home, let me come home
home is wherever i'm with you

i feel lonely. when i know i should be happy. i have a caring host mom, good friends, amazing travel experiences, plenty of money at my disposal, and so much more.

but the one thing i lack, is the one thing that would turn it all around. put a huge smile on my face. make me feel alive again. and that's home.

that's my mom. that's my dad. that's my sister. that's amanda. that's matthew. that's all my friends. that's my house, with my little bed, my books, my cats, my comfy couch and big tv. that's mississippi. that's sweet tea. that's the english language. that's ole miss.

i'd do anything to be back there right now. unfortunately the tears falling down my cheeks right now aren't doing anything to make that time come any sooner.

i'm just gonna do my best to keep chugging along. one more month. i can do this. at least i hope.

so much to look forward to.

in 14 days my parents and sister come to argentina for a week-long visit.
in 16 days i turn 21.
in 18 days i get to go back to one of my favourite places, buenos aires.
in 22 days one bff turns 21.
in 25 days i have a 9-day school holiday, when i get to travel through northern argentina.
in 65 days i will be done with this semester. and, the third twilight movie comes out (fangirl geek-out moment).
in 67 days another bff turns 21.
in 90 days my sissy turns 19.
in 96 days i get to move back to the motherland, and into my own apartment for the first time.
in 119 days a new semester at home will begin. a fresh start of sorts, if you will.

i know i don't say it enough, but i couldn't be more grateful of everything i've been given. the opportunity to come to argentina. an adoring family. wonderful friends. the chance at a fantastic education. the ability to live and enjoy life with money and resources i've received.

i love it. and although sometimes i may complain, i can't say i'd trade it for anything else. i'm excited for what my 21st year might hold. i've got a feeling the best is yet to come.

success formula.

when you stop pointing fingers,
lying to yourself and others,
when you give yourself to the hungry,
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then your light will ride through darkness,
and your gloom will rise as the noonday sun,
and you'll continually find the desires of your heart in
scorched and dry places and strength in your bones,
and finally become like a watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
--mike jenzeh

realization.

i'm a lover, not a fighter.

am i obsessed with you?

i know. the world doesn't approve of miley cyrus. and 9 out of 10 people make fun of me for being a fan of hers. but that's okay. i love her music. and her style. and her carefree, go-getter attitude on life.

so, i'm a fan. and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

definition.

To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. it's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living inspite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshman year of high school at 15. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. it's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall in love with your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they will never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. it's fearless to say you're not sorry. And walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then letting go and moving on... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless.
-Taylor Swift

story of my life.

tidings from above.

in a cab tonight, i caught a memo from god. in the form of this song on the radio.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, Comin' in tails
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin' at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start.
Runnin' in circles, Chasin' tails
Comin' back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.

I'm goin' back to the start.

and so it is.

destroy what destroys you

we are all going to die in 20 minutes

love should feel good

make displays not war

another.

All I really want is someone that’s gonna keep their promises, listen to me babbling or enjoy a comfortable silence with, someone to call when I get scared, someone to laugh at my mistakes, and someone to grab me when I walk away. Is that too much to ask for?

wonderful theme for life.

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Colorado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

a blessing and a curse.

good people. argentina is full of them.
being around them reminds me that the world actually is a good place. living in america, i sometimes wonder how there can be so much bad around me. i've come to realize though, that human nature is inherently good. and it gives me hope.
however, there is a downside. it magnifies my own flaws. i can see exactly where i am lacking. i could be so much kinder. i could be so much more caring. i could be so much more dedicated. i could be more good. i am good. but there is always more good to be had.
i will never forgive myself for not taking action in times when others needed me. the pictures run over and over in my mind. all i can do to console myself is remember that there will always be another chance to do good. and next time, i can be that person to console the woman weeping in the church. or to pick the handicapped girl off the ground. or to feed the little girl whose parents are nowhere to be found.
as much as i care, i know i can care more. i know i can love more. i know i can serve others more. and from this point on, i will. i am good people.

the beginning.

i went on an adventure over the last 10 days. i visited a number of places throughout southern argentina and the patagonia region. after careful calculation, i realized that i traveled 7198 km (all by bus) during this trip. to put that into perspective, that's approximately 4500 miles.
i enjoyed every single kilometer of that journey. and i hope that those initial 7200 kilometers only lead to thousands more over my lifetime.
i keep saying that my trip was an "adventure". but i take that back. it wasn't an adventure. my life is my adventure. that brief trip was nothing more than one small destination along the path of the journey of my life. and that destination, in patagonia, was just the beginning. it gives me inspiration to find more destinations. to travel to many more places. and to discover the world.

a new passion.

wanderlust: a strong desire for or impulse to wander, or, in modern usage, to travel and to explore the world.

i always knew i liked travelling and visiting new places. i mean, in my mind, who doesn't? but, it took coming to--and staying in--another country to realize that it's something i truly love. i'm passionate about seeing new places, meeting new people, eating new foods, and learning "new" history. "when i grow up", i want to travel every spare day that i'm not working. i want travelling to be my hobby, like playing an instrument or participating in a club are for some people.

the adventure of travelling is just a thrill. going somewhere that you are unfamiliar with, and not only surviving, but enjoying every second of it, is like a drug to me. i can't get enough. i suppose knowing that i have this to work toward will motivate me to study and work hard so i can afford this not-inexpensive hobby.

simplicity.

i'm sad. that's all.

And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.

the truth.

there is no right. there is no wrong. there are no lies. there is no truth. or is it all true? is it all a lie? is it all wrong? is it all right?

nothing is known. it is all an elegant unknown. everything. me. you. them. life. all are beautiful. yet we cannot identify it at all. it is right. it is wrong. it is truth. it is lies. is it everything? is it nothing?

i do not know the answer. do you? will we ever know? i doubt it. but i will live. every, beautiful day. and grow. and learn. and never know the truth. and continue my life, marching into the elegant unknown.

lost?

Where am I today, I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this sort of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage
Stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses
But I have my reasons why

i know my location, but i don't know where i am. i know my friends, but i don't know who they are. i know what i do, but i don't know my purpose. i know what love is, but i don't know how it feels. i know my name, but i don't know who i am.

these answers will come, but only with time. with patience and grace, all will be granted.

take me home.

I wish I was in the land of cotton
Old times there are not forgotten
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

In Dixie land where I was born in
Early on one frosty morning
Look away, look away
Look away, Dixie land.

I wish I was in Dixie
Hooray, hooray
In Dixie land I'll take my stand
To live and die in Dixie
Away, away
Away down south in Dixie.

and i long for my home. my people. my food. my music. my school. my Dixie.

no matter where i go. no matter who i meet. no matter how i change. this is my home. this is where i'm from. this is who i am. and i wouldn't change it for anything.