memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

makes my heart happy.

The facts and the figures
They overwhelm a stifle
everything that you thought you knew.
and the petty decisions that you think make a difference.
So tiny that they blow away like dust.

We are all embers
from the same fire

i've been on a really indie/alt kick with my music lately. maybe it matches my somewhat emo mood? who really knows, i guess it's just me trying to chill out. the good thing is, the more i listen to new music, the more i learn from it. it's easy for me just to listen to stuff like miley/britney/gaga/etc. that really has nothing but entertainment value. but lately i've been into stuff that's much deeper and emotional than that. except for damn katy perry and "california gurls". that effing song.

wise words.

"great merit, or great failings, will make you respected or despised; but trifles, little attentions, mere nothings, either done or reflected, will make you either liked or disliked, in the general run of the world." --lord chesterfield


i always say, it's the little things in life that help me get by. minutiae matter. that's what others deserve, too.

forget respecting me based on merit or achievement. i want to be liked for the person i truly am.

motivation?

“In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts:”
R.W. Emerson, Self-Reliance

success formula.

when you stop pointing fingers,
lying to yourself and others,
when you give yourself to the hungry,
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then your light will ride through darkness,
and your gloom will rise as the noonday sun,
and you'll continually find the desires of your heart in
scorched and dry places and strength in your bones,
and finally become like a watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
--mike jenzeh

realization.

i'm a lover, not a fighter.

story of my life.

and so it is.

destroy what destroys you

we are all going to die in 20 minutes

love should feel good

make displays not war

my thoughts in someone else's words.

I’m a bitch, deal with it. Because honestly, I’m gonna say what I want, do what I want, and be whoever I want. And nobody said that I had to like you.

I know I’m not the nicest person in the world. You don’t have to tell me. But at least I’m not hiding who I really am, like you.

and just for my best friend: i found this and thought you'd like it.
So there’s this boy; and the way he laughs, slaps a smile to my face. The way he talks, sends butterflies to my tummy. And maybe, just maybe, everything about him makes me happy.

these are courtesy of this tumblr. go and enjoy.

what i want in life. right now.

and when i say right now, i mean as i am writing this, from 22:44 until when i finish. these desires, like the winds, change frequently. i'm liable to not want any of these things tomorrow. but at this moment, in this hour, this is what matters.

i want to be skinnier. i want my blonde hair back. i want someone to call me a sexy bitch (it's not disrespectful, btw). i want my one liter bottle of coke to magically refill itself. and to be accompanied by rum/fernet/vodka/whiskey/all of the above. i want my room to be clean. i want to dance by myself in the dark. i want to paint my fingernails green. i want my roommate to die (or move out, whichever is easier). i want poppyseed chicken, to eat as a midnight snack. i want a hug from amanda. i want to quit reading my book but to magically have read it without actually reading it. i want some new music off itunes, preferably the songs i heard at creambury the other day. i want to talk to jenny about tennis lessons. i want to be fluent in spanish. i want the weather to be cool, but not rainy. I want to scream "la puta madre" in a grocery store just to see how everyone reacts. i want to go swimming. i want someone to want to love me. i want there to be fairness and justice in this world. i want to be acknowledged for not being ugly and disgusting. i want to watch luna nueva.

Ob la di, ob la da
Life goes on
La la, how their life goes on