memo.

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you

the only people that read this blog (that i'm aware of) are amanda and matthew. so i'm not really sure why i'm writing this, since you probably already know what i'm about to say.

i have a really hard time telling people how i truly feel. there are people in this world who will never know how much i respect or cherish them. simply because i cannot tell them "i really love you. you are a beautiful person. your smile is contagious and lights up my day. your sense of humor makes me laugh, even when i'm not around you. i wish i had the fashion sense that you have, even on your worst days."

ever since i was small i've always had this "problem". my parents would say "i love you". and i didn't respond with "i love you" back. i'd smile, or say "i know". more than a few times, my mom would ask me if i really loved her, since i never really said it.

the thing is, my lack of expressing my feelings, is not for my lack of feelings. and i'm sure you know that. i think there are a few reasons why i have difficulty telling people how i feel. for one, i grew up in a culture where the word "love" was used so carelessly. people in sixth grade would say they "love" their "boyfriend". or that they "love" britney spears. or whatever. to me, love always meant so much more than that. just because i liked something, or someone, didn't mean i loved it. the second reason i think i can't say it, is because i'm afraid of getting hurt. that's something i still deal with. in my mind, if i tell someone something that is so sincere and deep for me, i would hope they would take it that same way. but i know everyone doesn't. and it scares me. i have trust and faith issues. i want to trust people enough to tell them these things. but it seems like every time i have, it's just come back to bite me. which makes it hard to try again.

We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.

with all that being said, i love both of you. i may not show it, and i surely don't say it often, but i do. and it is that way for so many people in my life. i'm still working on myself, and working to trust people with my deepest confidences. it's a daily struggle for me.

but please just know. amanda, you are without a doubt the best girlfriend i've ever had. and you probably don't have a clue how much i rely on our friendship or how much i respect you. i'm pretty sure a lot of the time, i see your beauty and insight when you don't realize it exists. and matthew, you're one of the best friends i've had as well. i'm constantly amazed by your passion and desire to work for what you want. you're incredibly intelligent, and your sense of humor is one of the best i've encountered.

so if i cannot put i and love and you together, you know why. in the mean time,

you are my voice, my microphone

bad day.

let it be noted that i have hit rock bottom. of the bell curve, that is.

i'm over halfway done in argentina. and today was one of those days when all i wanted was to hug my mom. and be in sunny oxford with my friends. and eat something other than rice and veggies.

of course, every other "bad day" i've had was followed by many good days. the good (or normal) days far outnumber the bad, thank goodness. it's just when you get a bad one, it's generally pretty damn bad.

but i'll survive. earlier today, i had an enlightening conversation where i determined i am anything but weak. i'm a strong person, a strong woman. and by god, i'll deal with my stresses and make the best of it all. i can't let my missing home or dislike of certain cultural aspects bring me down. when i get disillusioned, it won't be the end of the world.

because, "after all, tomorrow is another day."

so much to look forward to.

in 14 days my parents and sister come to argentina for a week-long visit.
in 16 days i turn 21.
in 18 days i get to go back to one of my favourite places, buenos aires.
in 22 days one bff turns 21.
in 25 days i have a 9-day school holiday, when i get to travel through northern argentina.
in 65 days i will be done with this semester. and, the third twilight movie comes out (fangirl geek-out moment).
in 67 days another bff turns 21.
in 90 days my sissy turns 19.
in 96 days i get to move back to the motherland, and into my own apartment for the first time.
in 119 days a new semester at home will begin. a fresh start of sorts, if you will.

i know i don't say it enough, but i couldn't be more grateful of everything i've been given. the opportunity to come to argentina. an adoring family. wonderful friends. the chance at a fantastic education. the ability to live and enjoy life with money and resources i've received.

i love it. and although sometimes i may complain, i can't say i'd trade it for anything else. i'm excited for what my 21st year might hold. i've got a feeling the best is yet to come.

what i want in life. right now.

and when i say right now, i mean as i am writing this, from 22:44 until when i finish. these desires, like the winds, change frequently. i'm liable to not want any of these things tomorrow. but at this moment, in this hour, this is what matters.

i want to be skinnier. i want my blonde hair back. i want someone to call me a sexy bitch (it's not disrespectful, btw). i want my one liter bottle of coke to magically refill itself. and to be accompanied by rum/fernet/vodka/whiskey/all of the above. i want my room to be clean. i want to dance by myself in the dark. i want to paint my fingernails green. i want my roommate to die (or move out, whichever is easier). i want poppyseed chicken, to eat as a midnight snack. i want a hug from amanda. i want to quit reading my book but to magically have read it without actually reading it. i want some new music off itunes, preferably the songs i heard at creambury the other day. i want to talk to jenny about tennis lessons. i want to be fluent in spanish. i want the weather to be cool, but not rainy. I want to scream "la puta madre" in a grocery store just to see how everyone reacts. i want to go swimming. i want someone to want to love me. i want there to be fairness and justice in this world. i want to be acknowledged for not being ugly and disgusting. i want to watch luna nueva.

Ob la di, ob la da
Life goes on
La la, how their life goes on